Deciding whether you should elope or have an intimate wedding with your loved ones can be really hard. It was something I went through a few years ago when planning my own wedding! After my own experience of ups and downs, and helping dozens of other couples plan their elopements and intimate weddings with the same concerns, I have found a few things that help with the decision and planning part.
What’s the Difference Between an Intimate Wedding and an Elopement?
I typically call a wedding with 6-25 guests a micro or intimate wedding, and those with less than 6 guests elopements. However, I know definitions have gotten blurred over the years, especially with the rise of destination micro weddings. I wrote this post with both micro weddings and elopements in mind to show you what your options could look like either way you go!
Here I cover four questions you should ask yourself when deciding whether to elope or have an intimate wedding. In a sister post, I have also made a list of ways you can include your family in your elopement.
My Own Intimate Wedding
I got married during the pandemic. As a result, our wedding plans changed at least a dozen times as restrictions got tighter, things opened up just to quickly close again, and as I navigated family with compromised immune systems. I come from a very large and tight knit family, me being the oldest of nine kids, and my parents both having a handful of siblings themselves. Being the oldest of my cousins and first to get married, growing up I had dreamed of the big wedding with all those I love there. I loved the thought of everyone coming together for such an occasion.
During this time of wedding planning (late summer of 2020), I found myself driving to the Tetons every weekend. I lived on the Idaho side at the time, and would often drive over the Teton Pass after my classes on Fridays. I quickly fell in love with the lakes and hikes there, and found peace in the quiet mountains. I soon started to daydream of running off with my husband to tie the knot there, but I didn’t know how I could do that without disappointing my family. Looking back, eloping would have been a valid option with the constant shifting state of things. However, I’d promised my mom I would not go off in secret to elope.
With the threat of another COVID spike hitting my town three weeks before the planned date, it was finally time to ditch the hope of having a bigger wedding. We finally settled on having a smaller wedding of fourteen guests. People were disappointed, but I ended up loving the intimacy of it. My only real regret was not having planned it this way sooner to relieve stress, and not getting married in a place I was sentimental about (like the Tetons). We got married in my home town, but still had photos in GTNP as a way to fulfill that dream of mine for photos in the mountains.
I have a few things from my own experience I advise couples with. It comes in the form of four questions. I really urge you to dig deep with these answers because everyone answers differently!
Four Questions to Ask Yourself If You Are Debating Between Eloping and Having a Wedding
- Why are you eloping?
- Why do you want family there?
- What do you feel you will miss out on if your friends and family can’t attend?
- What parts of your day would you want friends or family involved in?
With these answers in mind, let me help you break down whether you should elope or have an intimate wedding.
1. Why Are You Eloping?
If you can answer this, this will give you some clarity on having family attend your elopement or not. Is it to save money? Is it for family reasons? Is it for the experience? Some elope because they are not close to family or want to avoid drama on the day of. Some couples want to elope because they would rather have an experience in nature than celebrate in a venue. Whatever the reason is, this is the first thing is what will push you in your decision between an elopement and an intimate wedding with guests.
2. Why Would You Want or Not Want Family or Friends There?
Why do you or do you not want family present at your wedding? This is the biggest thing that holds couples up one way or the other.
For those with close familial relationships, some couples will invite those they are the closest to to be present as witnesses or be a part of the experience. I’ve seen every combination here – just parents invited, just the couple’s kids, siblings, immediate family, or even just a couple of friends to officiate and witness. Even if it’s just for portions of the day like getting ready and the ceremony on the wedding day itself. If you did want family present, you can also include them in the days leading up to the elopement! This works well if you are getting married in a destination location and can be a sweet way to make the elopement an experience for everyone involved.
However, if you don’t have that type of relationship, DON’T FEEL PRESSURED TO INVITE ANYONE. Family, friends, anyone at all that you don’t genuinely want there. On this day that you are investing in both monetarily and emotionally, don’t bring any baggage to this day that you don’t want to have.
Sometimes there is a tricky middle ground here that I’ve seen come up. For some reason when it comes to weddings, people feel entitled to coming, or there are strings attached in different areas of life that would suffer without a wedding invite. For couples in this situation, I feel for you. It can be a very emotional decision to make, especially if you are leaning towards eloping.
If the only reason you want family there is because you feel the need to people please, I have a few things that could potentially help. This is advice I asked some of my past clients for who have been in your shoes.
The biggest one is that you could have an at home reception or after celebration at a later date with friends and family. This is an absolute favorite and number one recommendation of my couples. A spicier option I’ve photographed is that you could elope in total secret and have a second low key “wedding” a year later or so to appease the family. And a third option would be to have a two day celebration, the first day celebrating with family and the second day going off just the two of you to adventure and exchange vows.
If you would be sad to not have family or friends there with you on your day, then I would consider having an intimate wedding in place of a pure elopement. I have never had a couple tell me they regret either option. That leads us to the next question!
3. What Do You Feel You Will Miss Out On if Your Friends and Family Can’t Attend?
Expanding on the second question, something else you should feel out is what you feel you may or may not miss out on if you didn’t have a bigger wedding with guests. Here are some considerations to start this conversation with your partner.
- Who are the people you would absolutely want to attend?
- Do you like the thought of being surrounded by your people on your day?
- If yes, would it be just as special to have them with you at a future day to celebrate?
- If no, then who and what would you be sad to miss out on there?
- Do you feel bummed out at the thought of not having a big party?
- Are there any traditions you care about (parent dances, walk down the aisle, cake cutting, bridal party, etc)?
If you aren’t concerned about having a super traditional wedding (which I assume you’re not, since you are here haha), and you aren’t sad about the traditions or feel the need to be surrounded by a lot of people, eloping could be such a good option for you!! It is definitely a more stress free route to go.
For the private couple who truly just wants an experience with their love in nature, full send that elopement.
4. What Ways Would You Want to Include Your Family In Your Elopement?
If you choose to elope instead of the intimate wedding, then there are some ways to include your friends and family in your elopement! Really ask yourself what ways you would want to include family or friends in your day. This itself is one of the other aspects that make a big difference in deciding between having an intimate wedding or elopement. I wrote a whole additional post on some ideas you can use to personalize your experience in a way that you feel would be meaningful. In that blog, you’ll find ideas for both intimate weddings (up to 25 individuals) and actual elopements. There are many options, from having a two day celebration, an after party/reception, or splitting your day of coverage.
Including Both Traditional and Nontraditional in Your Elopement Day
There isn’t “one way” to run your elopement day. Here are some examples of traditions my couples have put a unique twist to include their loved ones on the day of their micro wedding or elopement.
- The bride’s dad walked her down the last bit of the hiking trail, aka the “aisle” to hand her off to her soon to be husband
- The couple had a ring warming ceremony with their guests during the ceremony
- The couple had a tailgate picnic in place of a cocktail hour
- The couple read scriptures and broke bread together
- In place of a wedding cake, they had cupcakes
- The brothers and groom went fishing together on the elopement morning
- The couple got ready with their friends and family in a large shared cabin
If you want to go the micro-wedding route instead of an full on elopement, these are some options for you to include your people that I thought were so sweet and personal to each couple.
In Close
It can be hard to choosing whether you should elope or have an intimate wedding with family and friends. Either way you can make this day of yours SO SPECIAL. The key is to genuinely stay true to yourself and what you are dreaming up for this day, as well as what it is you actually value out of a wedding day.
If you need a photographer or videographer for your elopement and are interested in seeing more about what this could look like for you, contact me here! I love love love love photographing and helping couples plan their special day in nature, and the couples who have worked with me have had such good things to say about their own experiences. After documenting over 50 elopements, I have a deep love for it and want to give couples an experience that is so meaningful to them. And if you’re still deciding if you should elope or go with an intimate wedding, no worries!! That is something you can figure out along the way and I would be so happy to talk you through the options of what your day might look like.
